I've been here since 6 AM. I have about two more hours to go. But that isn't what's important. I'm not even sure what is important right now. I just know that I must be going just a little crazy.
It's funny that I'm almost twenty-three and I still have the ability to scare myself, more than just a little. My strange and seemingly completely random thoughts can make me afraid of the dark. I've been thinking lately about writing. About painting. About how I should be doing something. Problem is, I already do so much of everything else.
That's probably just an excuse.
Since there doesn't seem to be a huge audience out there right now, I figure it's safe to ramble like a lunatic. At least for a little while.
Last updated 52 weeks ago. Wow. It took me awhile to even get the right password to get into this thing.
Is anyone still here?
I'm bored in the computer lab at school. My next class is not for another 2 hours. I don't even have anything to do in the lab today, as we've just found out that the research project I've been working on for months is not being funded by the USDA. Scientific progress comes to a halt.
I don't really have much to say in the way of journal-writing. It seems that saying too much has only ever gotten me in trouble. But I hope everyone is doing well out there in LJ land.
So I thought I'd update, for those who have been asking and haven't heard the latest.
The "cyst" that they thought was on my right ovary is, in actuality, on my right kidney. They took a week and a half to look at the damn ultrasound reports and finally get back to me about it, and I still haven't talked to an actual doctor about it. So now I have an appointment for April 7th for the urologist. Here's hoping it's nothing too scary....though I guess I've been asking for it with the way I've treated my body. Online searches that I've done of possible outcomes of this situation are far from promising.
That's really about it I guess. I feel like shit and I guess I'm not up for the long post that I had planned to do...next time...
I have disappeared for quite some time...maybe not long enough. With everything that has happened lately, it hasn't seemed appropriate to blog any of it, since just about anyone can get online and make my life hell. I've become a paranoid mess (instead of just a regular mess!). A lot of things have been going through my head lately. Too much, as usual.
I have, throughout my lifetime, been a person who does very bad things. I don't know whether this makes me a "bad person" or not, since everyone makes bad choices, but it seems that my choices have always been particularly bad, consistent enough to notice, and particularly destructive. I know that there are a lot of people out there right now who are judging me for what I've done, and I suppose that can't be helped. The fact is, no one really knows every detail of everything that has been happening with me, so no one can really know why I've done what I've done or why I am the way that I am. I am, by no means, trying to justify my actions, but it is important that all of this be kept in mind.
Often in life, I've had to sit back and wonder: Why me? I don't mean to sound like a whining 13-year old, but really...I mean, why the hell does my life consistently play out like a terrible soap opera that's been running for way too long? I know that I do all of this to myself, but why? And why can't I ever stop it before it gets out of control? It seems that I live on a constant roller coaster...maybe I just don't know how to live any other way? I don't know how to jump off, or if I even want to. More than anything, it's true that I really do suck at life.
Other people can relate to what I'm talking about. I have friends who are constantly in pain. The reason? Life. It seems that we have always all gravitated towards each other, ya know? I know that I push myself away a lot, but it certainly doesn't mean that I don't care, that I'm not thinking about the ones that I love. I do love you all, more than any of you know. Sometimes, I just don't know how to do anything. Sometimes I'm just afraid of screwing up again. More than anything, I am certain that I am completely unqualified to help anyone with anything. I'm sick. I am ashamed. The truth is, I don't want anyone to see me in the state that I've been in. Just remember, please, that I love you all.
There's nothing you can say Nothing you can do There's nothing in between You know the truth Nothing left to face There's nothing left to lose Nothing takes your place
When they say You're not that strong You're not that weak It's not your fault And when you climb up to your hill Up to your place I hope you're well
There's nothing left to prove There's nothing I won't do There's nothing like the pain I feel for you Nothing left to hide Nothing left to feel I am always here
When they say You're not that strong You're not that weak It's not your fault And when you climb up to your hill Up to your place I hope you're well
What you want What you lost What you had What is gone is over What you got What you love What you need What you have is real
It's not enough It's not enough It's not enough It's not enough, I'm sorry It's not enough It's not enough It's not enough It's not enough...
When they say You're not that strong You're not that weak It's not your fault And when you climb up to your hill Up to your place I hope you're well
It's not enough No It's not enough It's not enough
I don't know how to feel about anything. I need answers, but first I need to find out what the questions are...what the hell I'm even seeking. Too many emotions running through me lately...I have no focus.
I need to rest. I need a break from all of this.
Once again, I've tried to say everything, but have ended up saying nothing at all.
How can something seem so divine and beautiful to one person, but so flawed to another? Perfectly flawed. Like people, I guess. It's hard to imagine what my life would be like right now if I had just backed the fuck off for once. For christ's sake. My hands are not good at fixing anything, much less creating new things (good things, that is). Even if I manage to create something beautiful, I end up weaving a big fucking tangled web around it until it collapses in ruin.
I can't stop thinking. Again. Must stop thinking. So much thinking can't be good for any soul...not even mine.
Allen was so cute today. He's been on a major Star Wars kick (yes, roll your eyes now) thanks to his dad and to that damned Lego Star Wars game he's been obsessed with. Yeah...two years old and already playing video games...I know. But anyway, today he looked at me with a really serious face, deepened his voice, and said, "I'm Darth Vader." From that point forward, he would not acknowledge me unless I referred to him as Darth Vader. "Does Darth Vader want to use the potty?" I had to ask him (since he didn't respond to "Allen"). "No," he said. "Ok, well then Darth Vader needs a new diaper." He then pretended to fight me with his light saber, telling me to go get my "blue sword." "Allen, go get me a diaper..." No response. "Darth Vader, go get Mommy a diaper." He trotted off obediently and came back with a diaper. Funny, funny kid.
Well, I'm bored, so I'm gonna go find something else to do. Maybe Richard will give Darth Vader a bath tomorrow for me.
Everyday's the same I feel them merge I try to separate Resist the urge But they tell me I'll be fine That it will all get better Just try to write it down Or put it in a letter But the words won't play And there's no Easy way to say Goodbye, goodbye
Keep my head on straight And don't look down With all I've pushed away I'm losing ground But they tell me Ill be fine That it will all get better Just try to write it down Or put it in a letter
But the words won't play And there's no Easy way to say Goodbye, goodbye
And from the sidelines Watch me fall down
And I don't understand The things I do But I'll probably be fine As long as I keep moving I'll try to write it down So things just keep improving
Still the words won't play cause there's no Easy way to say Goodbye, goodbye
Well, I'm bored, so I thought I'd do another pointless update. Not much to say, really. Everything is about as abnormal as usual. I'm going to put this video up here, because this guy's music is my most recent obsession. Most of it makes me want to kill myself, but it's damn beautiful.
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mermalade86's journal
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